What kind of society are we building? One that welcomes our contribution, or one that expects us to adapt? A society that praises courage or a society that represses vulnerability?

Are we being prepared to belong or to fit in? They may seem similar concepts, but they often show up as opposites in the mutable social experience of humans.

Can we truly feel that we belong to a society that doesn't value change and impermanence as one of the most beautiful characteristics of our nature?

According to Brené Brown, the american researcher on shame and vulnerability, "Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." She also defines belonging as the feeling of knowing "that we're a part of something, not despite our vulnerabilities, but because of them."

With her research around this subject and her findings, she has emphasized the crucial necessity for us, humans, to change how we respond to the innate desire to be part of something larger than us. The desire for belonging is a primal instinct that is born with us. Without connection, love, and belonging, we most likely end up living in suffering.

By the influence of society, family, or cultural background, most of us tend to seek this sense of belonging by trying to fit in, by unconsciously feeding the necessity of approval, which is what often constitutes the most significant barrier to get that sense. The more we try to fit in, the farther away we go from being accepted by who we are.

As she points out, "true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world. Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

A few years ago, Brené asked a group of students to come up with the differences between fitting in and belonging, and these were some of the answers:

• "Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you there. Fitting in is being somewhere where you want to be, but others don't care if you're there or not";

• "Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else";

• "I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in."

And these were some of the responses I got when I asked the same question on Instagram the last month:

• "Belonging is feeling integrated without any effort; it feels natural. Fitting in is making an effort to fit into the box";

• "Belonging is when I stay positive and makes sense to me; is where I feel validated. Fitting in is when I seek validation, even if that means going against my values."

Not belonging were also pointed out by the students when:

• “Not living up to your parents' expectations;”

• “Not being as cool or popular as your parents want you to be;”

• Not being as smart as your parents or brothers;

• When your parents or someone you love don't pay attention to your life.

As humans, we are born with the natural need for love and connection, giving and receiving without judgment.

But to develop the ability to connect, we need first to identify the masks we put on in our daily lives. To spot the moments when we are trying to be someone or something we're not. And recover the truth that stands behind. Our truth.

We often misunderstand individuality as something static that separates one from the others. I like to think about individuality as a concept that highlights the human ability to be creative, the power within each individual to change, grow and transform their own reality. Yeah, words might be tricky, but from my perspective, individuality reclaims authenticity.

We need to build communities that truly value authenticity, communities that don't compel people to fit in. That praise their unique and natural processes of transformation.

Instead of facing individuality as something that divides, or authenticity as something that scares, or vulnerability as something week, we must open our minds and hearts to how those are the qualities that bring us all together.

Respecting individuality, embracing impermanence, embodying vulnerability, we learn to connect. 

And we can teach our kids how to connect, value their power of staying vulnerable, and trust their gut. And we allow growth.

So, how can we become more authentic? How do we become more "we" and less of what others want us to be?

Well, here are some tips from what I’ve learned:

1. Select the people whose opinion you care about – we're hardwired to care about what others think, but we don't need to care about what everybody thinks. We should care just about the feedback of people who loves us, not despite our imperfection and vulnerability, but because of them. Not the people who ignore your "shit" but those who recognize it and still stay there supporting you;

2. Belong to yourself first and speak your truth – start disappointing others instead of disappointing yourself;

3. Embrace vulnerability – show up as you are, despite the shame, fear, uncertainty, and emotional exposure; you will often fail, but you will survive, and you will start becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable;

4. Understand that trust and vulnerability built up together;

5. Embrace joy, even knowing that it won't last;

6. Practice gratitude – stop chasing the extraordinary moments if that means you forget to live the ordinary ones;

7. Stop rewarding perfectionism in others and yourself;

8. Stop talking about people and start talking to people;

9. Learn to create boundaries - to be more authentic doesn't mean show off every little secret or thought you have; it means showing up with the courage to be seen when you can't control the outcome.

"Vulnerability is hard, and it's scary and feels dangerous. But it's not as hard, scary, or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves – what if I have shown up? What if I have had the courage to be seen?"

We do not need to do it all at once.

We can start one step at a time by noticing how we feel behind the roles we play every day. We can start by listening to our inner voice behind the stories of our minds. When we do one thing, but the other feels righter. We can start by being aware of our shadows, of how we mirror in others our own struggles. We can start by noticing what's triggering us instead of reacting.

Saying "I love you" when we feel it with our whole heart, but we're too scared to alchemize it into words. Saying, "I'm sorry” when our heart knows it but the mind is to proud to admit it. Or owning our sovereignty with "I feel completely unseen around you, but I know it's not your fault.”

Every time we take the courage to show up, every time we take the leap into the unknown of what others might think, of whatever it is to come, we help our minds to learn again that it is safe to be ourselves. That it is safe to feel every emotion, to have every kind of experience, to be different or not so different, to change our beliefs, to love our bodies, to grow freely in a world that is changing with us, to a more compassionate place.

Yeah, part of me is still reading this text and thinking, what a waste of time, we can't change shit!

But you know what?! I have many voices inside. There are parts of me that cannot even be expressed in words. 

I'm kinda learning how to play with all of this beauty. As a dear friend reminded me today, we are kilograms of love! And I couldn't be more excited about the discovery of the many ways my 56Kg of love can enjoy this life!