2h to leave - tick tack

Yesterday, 20h

There are days when this job sinks my entire soul.

The deprivation of rest, due to night shifts and loss of sleep, is hitting me hard right now, and the physical and emotional distress seems unbearable. The permanent demand for social interaction appears to be endless and particularly challenging. The need to establish proper and clear communication is slowly turning into a tricky task.

I'm sick of “dancing” with so many people, so many different songs.

Being a nurse has been a daily challenge that has allowed me to grow a lot in the last ten years. I like to think that I'm fortunate for having so many opportunities to observe the beauty and complexity of human behaviour.

But then these days happen. These days when I feel the pain of each patient as if it could possibly be mine. Not only the physical pain… I can feel the anguish, fear, and insecurity. The loneliness, lethargy, and helplessness. In heavy days like this, I get exhausted from watching human life being pushed to the limit so violently, on so many levels.

I know, this morning I should probably have rested in bed one more hour instead of trying to play the active and healthy, waking up at 5 am to do yoga. But sometimes the urge to do more plays tricks on me.

And now, the hours appear to be longer, and time feels so static as the sultry weather outside. This exasperating heat persists on passing through the windows and sticks on our skin.

Moments ago, I had an oppressive feeling. My heartbeat accelerated and I got anxious about not being able to get out of here. But why not? What makes humans stick with their roles, commit to their responsibilities? Is it a signed paper? Is it the fear of being fired? Is it even describable? If I decide to leave right now, no one will physically stop me. But I can't do that. I'm a prisoner without handcuffs.

Maybe it is just me avoiding confrontation. Not with my colleagues or my superiors, but with the part of myself that doesn't care about any of this. That part that hides every single day, behind the apprehended values ​​of this system where I've been taking part. Where I've learned to be smiley and polite and interested. Are we ever going to be free?

“We can only be free in the now”. Even “the now” would be better outside this warehouse of concrete and weeping! No. Because “the now” only happens in me.

I'm tired. But “this too, shall pass…”.

The greatest pain of this profession is to face the finitude of our existence every day. It'd be nice to forget that, from time to time.