Christmas survival kit for your nervous system
Oh oh oh how will I survive another Christmas time!? 😜
For a long period, my experience of Christmas holidays was an uncomfortable mix of contrasting sensations and emotions. Growing up I used to receive lots of attention by this time of the year. Part of my family used to gather together and carefully prepare the fantastical appearance of the gifts left by “Santa”, without leaving any traces that could shake my strong belief of this old bearded man’s existence. Apparently, someone seemed to notice my desires and wishes once a a year!
It's hard to describe my internal reaction when I was told without pity and a small dose of sarcasm that Santa never existed. It was nothing less then overwhelming for my young system. I felt ashamed, sad and raged at the same time, without anything that I could do to change that awful reality. I felt like I was left alone in my emptyness of this childish belief that no longer existed. Even though my mind understood the why's and the how’s, my heart and body refused to believe and that deception took me years to overcome and to fully enjoy Christmas again.
By the way, if you have kids and they believe in Santa please:
Let them be the ones who make the question;
Don't ever lie to them when they ask for the truth;
Explain to them that magic does exist and can be found in life and nature, including inside ourselves;
Well, personal stories aside, Christmas can be an incredible and very magical season but also a very very challenging one too.
There's so much pressure from so many sides to be like this or that, to smile and be happy, to do everything perfectly, to buy the best food, the best gifts, to dress nicely, to be with everyone and attend to every meeting, when biologically and naturally this is exactly a time that asks for pause and retreat. When the night invites our shadows to come closer, calling in opportunities to let go and transform what doesn't serve us anymore, making space for transitions, new dreams and creations.
It's hard to respect that natural brake of the universe when everything around us seems to go suddenly faster, especially when we share this season with family members or friends that we haven't seen for a while. It's very common in these family gatherings experiencing sensations of almost leaving the body, getting lost in our wondering minds, unconsciously trying to guess what others might be thinking or feeling and try to attend to everybody else's expectations, completely forgetting our own needs.
Every time we abandon our bodies, we give permission for the defensive reactions in our autonomic nervous system to happen repeatedly and randomly, even when there's no real threat, conditioning our whole physiology to work under a constant state of alertness and inefficient consumption of vital energy. Some symptoms of this mal-adaptive mechanism might be:
Constipation/diarrhea/bloating;
Waking up with muscle pain;
Poor quality sleep and waking up tired;
Getting sick;
Experiencing subtle sensations of frustration, irritability or sadness;
Feeling a bit numb, disconnected and that sometimes it's hard to even think;
Feeling rejected and that your inner experience doesn't correspond to what's expected by the outside.
These reactions are related to old wounds, often from early childhood or even before birth, and can be addressed and transformed in therapy during the rest of the year, not on Christmas Eve! There's just too much happening.
But there are ways to support our nervous system and lower the burden of stress that's inevitably present during this time (or any other challenging times).
The following suggestions have been helpful for me over the years, maybe some of them can work for you too:
Make a list of the the things/tasks/meetings that you absolutely need to do or attend in order to feel comfortable, and the ones that you can actually let go and that just by thinking of not doing them, you already get some experience of relief - if possible cancel them;
If you’re one, like me, that in family gatherings feel the constant impulse to talk and interact with everyone even not knowing what to say, make pauses and try to observe the scene from some distance. Taking the seat of the observer will create some separation from the 'perceived threat’ and your nervous system will slow down a bit. If it's to demanding to do this while your in the presence of others, you can try to revisit the scene later in the day, using your imagination and looking at what happened from an imagined telescope - observing others from that distance will help you to observe yourself and what can you do differently the next time in order to better meet your needs;
Establish your boundaries but not exaggeratedly, meaning not to a point that will cause too much friction on other members of the family (not exactly for the sake of their well being but to not put extra stress into your nervous system). For example, if you need a break from the family intensity (and this might be noticed by the sensations in your body like constriction on your belly, tension on your neck and jaw, feeling tired, daydreaming, etc), offer yourself to go walk the dog or take out the trash, or just say that you need some time in the bathroom. Of course these are just suggestions, the important is to take a few moments to connect with yourself - noticing your breath, noticing your feet touching the floor, touching your legs, arms, and belly, looking around and getting curious about the environment;
Another useful way to create boundaries, if you have the opportunity, it's to plan and negotiate them in advance with your closest family members, anticipating your moments dedicated to pause and recharging;
Create and plan moments for self-care, even if you don't follow them all religiously. Morning walks, warm baths, meditation, massaging, watching a movie at the end of the day, whatever works for you but intentionally giving yourself some pleasure because you deserve it;
Pay attention to your posture, the position of you spine, your pelvic floor and your shoulders - do this as many times as you can during the day and make small adjustments in order to feel more comfortable and stable, sitting or standing;
Try to include play and games with family, even if they're not used to that. Playing stimulates our ‘feeling good’ hormones and the part of our nervous system them supports relaxation. It helps children and adults to chill, feel safer and more connected;
My favorite, find an SOS partner - someone that you can trust that will be there to give you a hand, to share some words or simply blink you an eye when you're have those moments of feeling drained;
Invite compassion to your own experience - creating a resilient nervous system is demanding and takes time.
And enjoy the magic of being alive! You are doing great!
Merry Christmas and great winter celebrations 🎄❤️✨
